*p16670

^{...-sigh- I was hoping that maybe I could one day give produce a proper, formal entry in my dA journal--CSS layout, some structured dialogue, and maybe a forecast of possible updates, but that day has still not come... : (}

Unfortunately, my dA friends, I have fallen upon some seemingly rough times.

In regards to my situation at home--I'm still living under authority of my parents. I have been struggling to cope with my inability to accept my parents for who they are, and it has long since taken it's toll. I simply cannot do this anymore. I can't. There is only a limit as to how much a person can take with certain things. I feel as if I am being stripped of my rights to speak and let my thoughts and feelings be known. I simply just cannot turn to the people who, according to traditional values, should be cornerstones in my life here on Earth. I feel emotionally and socially destitute because of my situation, and it doesn't help that I am still in debt either. Despite my recent accomplishment of paying off my debt to that of my stepfather (still have a few other debts to repay as well), that relief was short lived--a new "rent" system has been implemented to ensure that I am still paying the exact amount of cash that I was paying before, when I was still legally indebted to him. I am working only one job now, and despite my plans to attend school--with money that does not exist--to invest in a better future for myself, I can only see this situation worsening, not getting any better.

Of course, I am not entirely concerned only with my own issues...there is somebody out there, as well. This special somebody I value very deeply. I love her very much. I want only the best for her and to be in her presence every moment of my existence. It's a great feeling--but such passion comes with consequence. I feel a great, passionate burning desire to have her feel her best all the time. Unfortunately, as with any and all human creatures, she is incapable to feel such constant happiness, as am I. I abhor the fact that this special person can look down upon herself and the fact that--as with myself--circumstances are not quite ideal for her state of living. I know that she is a strong person--I have truly found a courageous, enduring spirit within her, but the fact that she must bear such crosses that I can see as significantly immense just--well, saddens me at times...of course, I try not to worry. My job is to pray for the best for her, and not condescend myself and feel bad that I can't really do much else. I pray, of course... but I just have this desire... a longing desperation...

...

...but it's not all bad. I am alive, healthy, and capable of a lot of things. I'm just really sick and tired of all this "getting nowhere" business. I'm not fond of the entire lifestyle that I seem to lead, which mostly consists of going to work, doing chores, playing a game or two, procrastinating on art, and just going to sleep--hoping for a better future. It's time for me to get out there. It's time for me to get pass my prejudices and fears and just make something of myself. If I don't improve myself, how can expect for things to just magically change? I don't see any point in just progressing at the slow pace tat I am already moving, but I certainly don't see any beneficial factors of simply giving up on life altogether either.

So, with that being said, I have decided that as of 4:30 PM, EST today, I am once again going on a dA hiatus. There seems to be no art coming from that artists that I care about the most, I have hardly anything to show from the time I received my internet connection back, and I all I seem to do here is check my message box and comment on other pieces and dA users--and activity that doesn't seem to bear much fruit in the first place anyway. So with all that said and done, I really don't believe that leaving dA for a while will do any sort of detrimental damage to my being or anything. If it did, well...that'd be kind of sad. And pathetic.

-sigh- In conclusion, I will be back someday with possibly some more art and hopefully a better sense of accomplishment and a renewed, everlasting fighting spirit. I pray with all my might that with this re-discovered fervor, I'll be able to become that person who I want to be, and the person that I want to become for those who I hold dear to my heart.

With all my love.
Eddie
_{Pray for me.}